Monday, September 08, 2008

stones and glass houses

that mothafucka is PATHETIC.

i was introduced to this guy while watching the documentary love me, love my dolls on the b.bc ame.rica channel last night. for the first five minutes, my mouth was completely agape while my stomach turned just a bit. it was difficult for me to wrap my mind around the image of a guy putting makeup on a doll's face, brushing its hair (while referring to 'it' as 'her') and saying things like "she's laying in bed asleep...we had a really satisfying morning session you know..." while the narrator says "he had to exchange her 'awake' face for her 'sleeping' face". i was real quick to label each and every guy as a pathetic, anti-social loser who was probably doing us women a favor by shoving his penis into artificial pussy. i mean, would YOU want a guy like that fertilizing your eggs?

but then, isn't it a relief to see someone you perceive as being 'worse off' than you are? the guy with no feet looks at the cat with no legs and thinks to himself * least i've got my legs!*

on the one hand, that's definitely the positive way to look at things. the focus shouldn't be on what one doesn't have, but what one has, right?

however, there are times when that kind of thinking can make one positively obnoxious. many of us (me included) sometimes fall into the pattern of seeing other folk handle their dilemmas in a way we judge to be 'pathetic' or 'desperate'. i mean, my situation is bad, but it ain't THAT bad, right? shit, i might be a divorced and relatively embittered chick with no trust in many of the males around her and doubting her worth, but surely i'm not as bad as the guy sticking his dick in a chick with no clit who can't twitch in response, right?

meanwhile, the advantage of being one of the guys in the documentary is the fact that the challenges are tangible. folk know exactly what they get if/when they get with these dudes. however, there is a portion of the remaining population of folk who sleep with, nuture, and hold on tightly to, the spirit sucking companions from past relationships.

instead of seeing the doll sitting in the chair and knowing she's got some work ahead of her, many of us get the guy with issues we need an enigma machine in order to decipher the code in his behavior..."okay, so he didn't call when he said he would. does that mean he's trying to end it without saying anything or is he just really busy?...that's just what eric did to me, right before i found out he was cheating on me!"

or the sista a cat can't figure out without a book of translations..."she told me nothing was wrong with her yet i can feel her rolling her eyes at me when my back is turned so now i gotta walk on egg shells all night cuz i know something is wrong but she acting like it ain't...that's the same shit nicole used to do..."

shit, at least with the doll i know who the enemy is.

as i think back on the guy who was massaging his doll's feet and how i derisively laughed at his barren task, i am reminded of all the times i've fruitlessly fondled foolish fantasies, fully expecting an erection of perfection to appear before me.

how different are we really?

another one said it was just easier to hold onto his doll girlfriend because he wouldn't be lied to or cheated on or have to work at feeling comfortable.

probably just as easy as it's been for me to hold onto the anger and resentment fueled from previous relationships where i was lied to, cheated on, and never found emotional comfort.

one of the guys said he was too ugly to get the kind of woman he wants. his skin was terrible, his teeth were jacked up, and his looks were just totally unappealing (his words, not mine). so in his mind, it made sense to take his destiny in his own hands and find him something that would provide satisfaction in his otherwise unsatisfactory existence.

how many times have i said to myself i wasn't smart enough or beautiful enough or good enough for happiness? shit, even if i didn't say it, my actions were telling on me cuz i would do things like remain in emotionally unfulfilling relationships or unhappy situations because i believed i wasn't 'enough' of whatever i needed to be in order to actively go after my dreams or be in something better. i found satisfaction in my inaction. as long as i wasn't dreaming, i wasn't responsible for changing anything.

being back on the dating scene has provided almost daily skirmishes with the words meant to pummel at my esteem. rejection has a way of making one second-guess her appeal, even when it was obvious the brotha was not 'the one'. i've fallen into the old habit of wondering what it was missing from my attributes instead of seeing it as just the wrong match. i've actually said to myself recently that it must be something about me that was making him act that way towards me. can you believe that shit?

i was straight up trying on his issues like i was ready to purchase those mofos...checking myself from various angles of lonliness, bargaining the price of my pride for a chance to choke myself within the fraying cloak of his insufficient affection.

funny how his issues were tailored to fit me, so long as i was still wearing my own...

anyway, so further into the documentary is one guy who has eight dolls and the potential for a living, breathing girlfriend (lbg). eventually he would introduce lbg to his dolls. lbg was creeped out, but she said she had no problem with it, so long as he didn't desire sex with the dolls over sex with her.

a week later, she broke up with him.

i think on the times i've introduced the man in my life to my issues like they were valued relatives i wanted him to embrace...then got mad when he was like "um, nah." i mean, how dare he not want me and my distrust of men and intimacy issues!!!

then i think on the times when i've rejected a guy because he wasn't as flawless as he appeared to be from afar. i got wind of his less than positive attitude or emotional distance and he was removed from the rotation without further notice before i even found out why or for that matter, realized that he had other qualities which made the emotional investment in him worth the effort.

another guy in the documentary stated his dolls were used as a 'stop-gap' of sorts...the in-between pussy found while one in search of a more meaningful relationship with an 'organic female' (i am not making that phrase up...). he said it took the desperation out of the search cuz he was having sex, so he could look for a girl for something other than sex. in other words, the doll was his cut buddy.

now who can't identify with THAT?

i've had 'stop gap' relationships where i dealt with guys cuz i didn't want to be alone, even though i knew they weren't gonna be 'the one', no matter how long they were around. i went out on dates, kissed them, fucked them, and the whole time i was thinking to myself "if only someone better would come along so i can stop fucking with this guy..." sure, it takes the desperation out of the search, but how ready could a sista possibly be for 'the one' when she still got the smell of 'the other one's semen on her breath?

in the light of a gray morning made bleary from doubt's reign, i was humbled by the parallels found in the existences of a bunch of 'silicone girlfriend fucking' guys to that of a celibate sista dating in the atl.

yet another reminder that one should never point at another with the silent relief that "at least i'm not THAT cat..."

the quest for happiness is a universal one and i can't belittle someone else just cuz i don't get down with the path they're taking to get there.

cuz i damn sure respect that journey.