Thursday, July 17, 2008

da beggin bastids...

it's 5:45 in the morning and i'm sitting at the red light pissed off cuz i'm sitting at a red light at 5:45 in the friggin morning. now to be fair, it's my own damn fault. i made myself get up so i could get to the gym cuz i knew i wouldn't be able to go later (dental appointment) and i've been dedicated to maintaining my schedule...but that's another story.

anyway, so it's 5:45 a.m. and i'm slouching in my seat, tiredly rubbing the sleep from my eyes as i await the turning of the light from red to green. the sun is still an hour away from rising so outside the car it's armpit dark. i'm always extra aware of my surroundings when it's that early in the morning. it's not like killers take off between the hours of 2 a.m. and 7 a.m. ya know? meanwhile, as i'm sitting there, i notice a shadow moving towards the driver side window of the car in front of me. my heart skips a beat as i immediately straightened my spine and strain my eyes to get a better look.

" that...GET the fuck outta here!"

i rub my eyes and look again.

then the aberration turns and heads towards me. as my headlights slowly reveal the form floating to my window, i gasp, then quickly hit the button to close my window.

"dude, it's 5:45 in the fucking morning," i yelled, my words splattered upon the window in a muffled mess, "what the fuck you doing walking up on me like that? you could get cut the fuck up for some shit like that!"

a mothafuggin beggar? at 5:45 a.m.? what, is this a full-time gig for this cat? does he clock in? who VOLUNTARILY gets up at that time of morning? does he thinks he's gonna get funds from me on some ole "looky, he's up early...that's a hard worker for ya..." bullshit?

and what is he doing stepping up to my window when it's night outside? that's not just a no-no, that's a HELL no-no. that usually has car-jacking written all over it. i mean come on...don't he know better? first it's dark AND it's early as shit? the sun hasn't risen, hell, the birds ain't even chirping yet. they're still snuggled in their nests chillin and i'm at a red light being bothered by a homeless dude wanting money?

inopportune moment + irate audience = cuss out/grievous injury/murder.

he better be glad i wasn't packing anything more serious than a black.berry. he would have taken one to the gut fa sho.

this situation was reminiscent of another one...

it was like 3 a.m. and i was in bed with kufdub, tucked closely against his body as we floated in the afterglow of a long bout of carnal activity. my cousin had been calling nonstop for two hours...the first hour was to my mobile phone until i turned that shit off. then he was blowing up the home spot. i actually began to get a bit worried and my fear had me finally reaching for the phone.

"dante! is something wrong?" i questioned breathlessly as my heart beating double-time, "who died?!?"

"damn nikki," dante responded petulantly, "it's about time you answered your phone!"

i began hyperventilating a bit as kufdub grabbed my hand and squeezed lightly.

"DID.SOMEONE.DIE?!?" i screamed into the silence.

then a pause.

"naw girl," dante answered sheepishly, "nobody died. whatever gave you that idea?"

i pulled the receiver away from my face and stared at it with a mixture of fury and incredulity. i could feel kufdub's silent chuckle reverberate through his body.

"he needs money," kufdub mouthed against my neck. i rolled my eyes hard before placing the receiver back to my ear.

"dante," i growled, the anger squeezing each syllable, "please do not tell me you've been blowing up my phones cuz you need some money."

then a pause.

" that you mention it..."

"dude, really. get out of here with that shit."


inopportune moment + irate audience = cuss out/grievous injury/murder.

he better be glad i wasn't close enough to kick him in the nuts, cuz i would have...twice. once for interruping my gawtdamn afterglow and once for getting me all worked up and scurred.

now there are some common features between both of these beggin bastids:

1. they're both black men. i refuse to believe being a black man has anything to do with this, but i gotta wonder...

3. they were both dumb enough to ask me for money after scaring me, then pissing me off. i think this has more to do with...

2. they're both broke.

being broke evidently makes many folk behave stupidly, which does nothing to assist them in their occupations as beggin bastids. therefore, my contribution to the betterment of mankind is as follows... i've come up with a list of dos/don'ts guaranteed not only maximize return on begging efforts, but to alleviate the aggravation many of us feel as a result of being assaulted by folk asking for our hard-earned funds.

i am hopeful this list will equip beggars with the tools/knowledge necessary for them to succeed at the endeavor of requesting funds (or at the very least, prevent fools from stepping to my car before dawn's crack is exposed.)

look for that in the next entry, whenever that is (see, i've learned my lesson. i ain't promising that shit tomorrow).