Wednesday, September 12, 2007

a lesson for the early bird

"Stop pushing me!" whined sperm one (s1), as his body was slammed up against the cervix wall.

"i'm not pushing you! you're getting in my fucking way!" growled sperm two (s2).

"You're really not being fair about this..."

"fair? this ain't no stroll through the park, dude. we're all competing for the chance to hit up an egg. hasn't anyone talked to you about this yet?"

"I'm perfectly aware of the task at hand," s1 responded frostily, "Meanwhile, must you shove me like this? It's not as if the eggs are going anywhere!"

"do you not see all of the other brethren around us? dude...this is a fucking RACE. get in the game!" s2 yelled impatiently, "better yet, just step aside, cuz it's obvious you don't have what it takes to fertilize an egg anyway..."

"insulting me is totally uncalled for," s1 replied indignantly.

"do i really look like i care?"

"you should! i'm pretty sure the creator would NOT appreciate your unsportsmanlike attitude."

"look...i'm trying to be nice about this because you're one of my folk, but're working my last nerve."

"ahem...I'm also pretty sure we do not have nerves..."

"it was a figure of speech!" s2 exclaimed with exasperation, "i swear, you are soooooo not fertilizing that egg. you're a fucking moron."

"your vocabulary is absolutely stellar. i've no doubt if you were to fertilize the egg the ensuing child would be equally as stellar at things such as assault and battery of the english language, the family pets, and an inordinant amount of unsuspecting females," s1 said sarcastically, "Meanwhile, if you bothered to look around you, you'd realize we're both in first place."

s2 angrily turned his attention towards s1.

"the only reason you're still around is cuz you're hanging onto my coattails, punk."

"we don't have..."

"shut UP. SHIT!" s2 exclaimed before focusing his efforts on his task.

they swam frantically up the uterus until they got to the fallopian tube.

"there they are!" s2 exclaimed excitedly, sensing the cluster of eggs ahead of him, "now step aside punk and let a real sperm handle this!"

s2 then deliberately crashed into s1, propelling him into the wall of the tube as he scrambled ahead towards the first egg in his path.

"YOU BASTARD!" s1 screamed in his wake.

"aren't we all!" s2 yelled back, snickering as he raced forward, sure he was about to penetrate that egg at any second.

"you best slow ya roll playa," came the words, evidently from the egg. shocked, s2 came to a screeching halt right as he was about to poke her.

"you TALK?" s2 said, his surprise tripping the words, "nobody told me you eggs could talk!"

"this coming from the sperm who speaks despite the fact he has no mouth," egg replied dryly.

s2 thought about that a moment. how did he talk? he attempted to scratch his head in confusion, then realized he had no hands. he remained silent as his embarrassment grew. thirty seconds later he still hadn't figured out what to say. egg's patience broke.

"let's just say we find a way to communicate to each other and leave it at that, k?" gritted egg, annoyed at s2's obvious lack of intelligence.

s2 gave a sheepish laugh, then bristled. what the fuck was he embarrassed about? he didn't come here to make small talk. he came here to get up in dem guts.

"just so you know, i heard that."

s2 stiffened.

"heard what?" he asked innocently.

"'get up in dem guts?'" she quoted before adding disdainfully, "you can't be serious."

"you read minds too?!?"

"technically, you don't have a mind."

"oh shit, not you too..." s2 groaned.

"i'm saying," continued egg matter-of-factly, " you can't expect to just run up into a sista without some form of courting."

s2 was speechless. what the fuck? did this chick...

"not chick," egg interrupted his thought, "EGG, dude. EGG."

does this EGG really expect me to woo her?

"yes," she replied to his thought, "i expect you to woo me."

s2 was incredulous.

"what kind of wooing could you possibly expect from a sperm?!?" s2 asked exasperately, "ain't no candy or flowers or jewelry anywhere up in here!"

there was a thoughtful pause before egg finally responded.

"how about some poetry?"

s2 felt as though he was living someone else's nightmare. surely i'm not here in front of an egg being thwarted from my life's mission because the chi..uh, EGG wants me to quote her some poetry? really, this is too much.

he glanced around her, noticing the other eggs sitting there ready for the poking.

man, fuck THIS. i can get with one of the other...

"none of us eggs is gonna give it up without at least a little bit of poetry, dude." egg said in response to his unspoken intent. the other eggs moved in agreement.

"you've GOT to be JOKING."

"no, i'm not," egg said stubbornly, "so if you want to get up in THESE guts you best represent."

s2 knew when he was beat. he sighed heavily as he glanced dejectedly at the other eggs. SHIT.

"whatever, dude. just hop to it," said egg, "and be quick about it cuz your brethren will be here any second."

s2 suddenly sensed the other sperm speeding through the uterus. desperately, he tried to come up with something, ANYTHING that would pass as a poem.

"roses are red," he sputtered frantically.

"oh HELL nah," egg said.

"GOTDAMNIT!," s2 bellowed angrily.

"try again," egg responded, unmoved by his frustration.

s2 began to quiver nervously. think! THINK!


"there once was a man from..."

"for real?" egg interrupted again, disbelief lacing her words, "that's all you got?!?"


s2 could sense the other sperm entering the mouth of the fallopian tube. he took a deep breath...

"say baby...can i be your slave?"

"is your name darius?" asked egg derisively, "cuz if it ain't, that shit right there ain't original."

that was IT. s2 had had ENOUGH.

"look here chick, egg, or whatever the fuck you call yourself! i really don't need your permission to do what i gotta do, so either you let me have at it or i'm gonna just take it and ask questions late..."

"OUCH!" exclaimed egg in surprise, "THAT HURTS!"

that's when s2 noticed a tail slithering into egg from behind. s1 had snuck in the back door when nobody was paying attention.

"thank you ever so much for the diversion," came muffled words from inside the egg.


s2 heard s1's snicker as the transformation began. before the process was complete, s1's final words echoed mockingly...

"stellar vocabulary as always. unfortunately, you should have known when to speak and when to shut up, because the wordy sperm only gets 'shit' in return, idiot."