the makings of a fucked up day

i woke up this morning panicking cuz i can't find my driver's license. i've looked everywhere...can't find it.

i need it cuz i'm going to a conference tomorrow and i'm renting a car. can't get on the plane or rent the car without my driver's license.

can't get a replacement license cuz the offices are closed today.

sat down on the couch and my water bottle spilled and put a big assed water stain on my ass.

too late to change clothes.

got in the car, turned the key in the ignition, and the engine light comes on.

and stays on.

looked in the car for the license. it ain't there. for once my car is fucking clean, so of course it ain't there.

got on the expressway and almost get hit by a greyhound bus.

got off of the expressway and get stuck behind a marta bus.

pull into the driveway at work and notice a really good looking black dude standing outside damn near right in front of my parking space.

so of course i've got the water stain on my ass and a crunchy look on my face and i've gotta walk right in front of this dude to get into the fucking building.

this dude ain't never been around when i'm looking cute. now he wanna be around when i'm both looking and feeling jacked.

come into the office...someone stuck a pile of 200 copies of some program brochure that has to be folded for the conference.

hand-folded.

by fucking HAND, people.

by MY fucking hand, people.

got a pile of work on my desk that has to be done before i leave, none of which is nearly as important as me finding my fucking license.

trying to leave here early cuz i still gotta get a pedicure and do my hair cuz of course the place where i was supposed to get my hair done on saturday never bothered to call me back to give me directions to the fucking place (that's another story...i mean why you gotta call me back with directions anyway?!?)

got serious gas issues. i think it's because i'm panicking, but it just won't stop, and it's the silent killer kind that don't just dissipate.

no, these farts CELEBRATE entry into the world by hanging in the air, waiting for someone to pass them a drink so they can party all day.

i left my office so that i could take this gathering of gas from my ass to another location.

had to come back cuz fifteen minutes later i was still farting.

can't open a window so i'm stuck at the fart party.

just found out the hotel i'm staying in doesn't have internet access of any kind. what the fuck is this? they got me staying in a cave?!?

now i'm taking a chance that if i check in one day earlier, the people at the resort where the conference (not the cave mentioned above) is taking place won't kick me out. yeah, right.

got this email from a co-worker this morning, sent last friday:

"my whereabouts for the next 2.5 weeks!

...and it won't be here!!

I'll be in New Zealand until 1 July and will be back in the office on 5 July. I will check email occasionally, but will have no cell phone service.

See you on the 5th.

anne"

because evidently she mistakened me for someone who gives a shit where she's gonna be for the next 2.5 weeks. why would i ever wanna know where she gonna be?

anne, have i ever given you the impression i was curious about where you went when you weren't here? HELL no.

as long as you ain't here, i could care less where you at. you could take a vacation up your momma's ass and i wouldn't care so long as you didn't come back with photos of the trip. i have no interest in viewing images of the inside of your momma's anus.

another co-worker just informed me i gotta get to the airport three hours ahead of time because evidently the lines are so long they're leading out of the terminal.

so basically this means i'll be in line twice as long as i'll be on the damn plane (flight is 1.5 hours long).

what is 'y' class? does this stand for 'why the fuck did i book a flight on an airline that would dare place me in between some chick who equivocates sitting next to me with us being bff and an obnoxious child the mother refuses to discipline with anything more harsh than a 'stern talking to' which is comprised of her basically spending the entire flight begging the bad ass devil's spawn to "sit down please and stop smacking the nice black lady"'?!?

is nikki gonna have to choke a kid? if he/she smacks me, i will be that stereotypical angry black bitch all folk fear and choke the SHIT out of that kid and then smack the mom in the mouf for not keeping her kid in check.

shit...still farting. this is gonna be a problem...

still can't find my driver's license. this is ALREADY a problem.

this day can only get better, right?