Tuesday, September 12, 2006

when did he decide he wanted to fuck me?

this russian cat is so aggressive at this point it's like trying to kick away a rabid dog. he's been in my office almost everyday since i got back, asking me out to lunch. now part of me is down for lunch and part of me is like "chill OUT". he was in my office this morning and i was on the phone. i saw him standing there and decided to purposefully prolong the conversation to see what he'd do. he decided to stand there for five minutes before walking down the hallway. i heard him tell someone he was looking for another colleague of ours, basically lying to the person like he didn't want anybody to know he was outside of my office intending to stalk me. he had me believing he'd left, but as soon as i got off of the phone he was in my office, like he'd been listening or something. then he asked me about my surgery last week and made some small talk and i'm sitting there wondering how i can get him out of my office cuz i got work to do. he's trying to work his way up to asking me out to lunch again. i can FEEL that shit. then he asks me where the copier is so he can make copies of a presentation he has to do later in the day. i'm sitting there like "dude, you know where the copier is, stop playing..."

i thought about just telling him where the fucking copier was, but decided to show him. he's walking behind me and i can feel his eyes on my ass. lawd...

we get to the copy room and i'm explaining to him how he has to let the machine warm up before using it. i try to get past him and he's like "so you're a very busy woman". well DUH mothafucka! i just got back from being off of work for almost a week and i've got that much work to catch up on. i explained the same to him, albeit more politely. he then meanders with small talk before getting to the crux of the matter.

"so when will i be able to take you out to lunch again?"

shit shit SHIT.

"i'll be busy for the next week and a half. i've got those seminars to prepare for next week so..."

"you don't have time even to eat?" and he's looking skeptical.


i stood there for a second.

"i told you i work through lunch, mike, and now with all of the work i have to catch up on, i'm not inclined to take lunch until i've caught up."

he looked disappointed but determined.

"so maybe we can meet after work?"

"dude, i just had surgery. i'm barely strong enough to be here at work. i've been going home to relax."

"maybe friday then?"

i'm beginning to wonder if he really knows english or he's just been pretending this whole time and really don't know what "i don't have the fucking time for lunch right now" means.

eventually i told him to hit me up next week and maybe i could take a few moments for a bite to eat. as i stepped past him to leave the copy room, he follows me. a co-worker is standing out there. mike pulls the professional mode bit.

"i will call you about that then." he says to me. the look in his eye was like "i WILL have you" like some shit i read in romance novels. it's cute in romance novels but straight up scary in real life.

see, this is the kind of shit that will get a sista killed. he can play like we don't know each other outside of work and then when my dead body turns up they won't be able to connect it to him. or is this just how it is with his culture? anybody out there ever date a russian dude?

i remember telling this other dude about a month back how he should give the chick who was digging him a chance. now she was mad aggressive, basically to the point of residing in his tighty whities. yet i was like "hey, she might not be crazy..."

so when that situation went sour due to some loopy shit, i bet he was like "i shouldn't have listened to nikki's ass..."

and now i'm sitting here in the same predicament and i'm thinking back to my advice to that cat and i'm wondering what the fuck i was thinking.

ALWAYS trust your instinct.

i told him not to trust his and he ended up with drama for days. now while in the end he ended up happier than he's ever been as that situation led to other shit popping off for him, i can't believe the same will happen to me. if i fuck around with this crazy dude will i end up meeting the guy i'm gonna fall in love with or am i gonna end up face down in a pool of blood? or maybe this cat's around so i can recognize the cat i'm vibing with right now is the one? or maybe he's around to remind me that i'm not ready for a relationship anyway?

or maybe he's just around to remind me to stay away from crazy russian dudes.

either way, this constantly riding my nipple shit is getting on my last nerve. i'm gonna email him and let him know he needs to step the fuck back. i'll let him know if and/or when i'm ready to proceed with lunch again.

yeah, that's what it is. i ain't ready. what did someone tell me a couple of months back? "if you gotta question it, he ain't the one cuz timing has just as much to do with it being the right situation as the person involved." someone from here said something like that.

well i ain't ready and he's crazy, so that's two reasons right there why i need to cut him out right now.

so anyway, i wonder when is that moment when a guy looks at a chick and is like "i wanna fuck that" and then begins to do everything in his power to make it happen. is it from the first moment or after a couple of conversations? is it possible to go from "i ain't hitting that ever" to "hold up...that pussy might be juiciness...i want at it!"? i think about my past situations and i can recall only one time where the guy went from unfuckable to fuckable and frankly, that was a mistake. i remember meeting him and thinking "he ain't really my type". next thing you know, we're kissing and i'm like "wait...maybe he's kinda my type" and then i met another guy shortly afterwards and was like "hold up..THIS is more my type" and i kicked first dude to the curb where he languished for a number of years. i would eventually revisit him and us and we ended up fucking, which was a situation that should have confirmed he wasn't really what i was looking for but because we'd been friends for so long and he was rather inexperienced, i figured he'd catch on eventually. it never really happened. in other words, i should have just gone with my gut when she told me not to give him the pussy.

instinct speaks.

you ever find yourself meeting someone for the first time and thinking he or she might be 'the one' and then stuff starts happening to you? like, a number of months back i met this cat and i was digging him and then things started happening to me, like my computer would crash during the middle of conversations with him right before i was gonna reveal something of how i felt for him. i started getting clumsy, like stubbing my toe and bumping up against walls, whenever i thought about him. now i could say that was just me being out of it and thinking on him too much, but i wonder if maybe that was the universe speaking. i wonder if that trepidation i felt despite the fact i was feeling him was my instinct telling me i really needed to keep him at an emotional distance.

hindsight is 20/20 ain't it?

so coming back to the original thought in this endless rant, i wonder when mike decided he wanted a piece of this precious pussy. mind you, i'm still quite horny. that shit hasn't changed. in fact, i was masturbating last night during an im conversation with this cat and he didn't even know. what's worse, we were talking about football. FOOTBALL PEOPLE. who gets off on talking about football? meanwhile, the fact he was talking so much smack was turning me on and next thing you know i was flicking the clit like it'd bit me, typing responses to him like i was sitting calmly at my computer desk going over my fantasy football stats when i was fantasizing about football while bringing myself to orgasm. damn, did i just digress?

aiight, so i've NEVER been dressed up when i've seen mike. i've always been in jeans and a shirt cuz my work environment is about as casual as it gets. so when did he suddenly look at me and think to himself "i wanna stir my pale prick up in that bowl o'chocolate"? i swear i've never even flirted with the guy before. it was like one minute we're talking about work and next thing you know he's looking at me like he wants to devour me.

well he ain't getting a bite outta this hershey bar damnit. oh, he just walked in here and grabbed my hand and said "don't over-work yourself" and i guess some endearment in russian. oh HELL NAH.

oh, and it's official. i'm moving to new york. anybody with leads on job opportunities need to hit a sista up.