if you could do it over again...

i saw this dude and was like "wow" cuz he was soooooo fine and i looked around to see if he was with anybody and i saw he wasn't and i sighed because he was too fine to be single so i looked at his wedding ring finger and didn't see a band of gold or even that tan band that lets a sista know he took off his ring and stuck it in his pocket before he got out of his car and i got so excited cuz it looked like he was single but then i wasn't sure if he was gay because you know some of the finest brothas these days be gay so my heart sank because there really ain't no way for me to know that without asking him and i wasn't about to ask that guy if he was gay so i just stood there and stared and hoped no guy was gonna walk up to him and pinch him on the ass or take his hand and walk away and after five minutes of me staring at his ass i determined even if he is gay he still fine and maybe i wouldn't mind being a fag hag but then again i know i'd probably end up wanting to fuck him and i don't like sharing and i can't grow a penis so maybe i should just walk away but i don't want to because he really is gorgeous and i figure if i don't see a dick in his ass or mouth right at that moment then he straight until he tell me otherwise and shit he might have like five babies by five different women and i'd rather he be gay than to have five women with five kids all fighting for his attention and calling him at times of the night when they know we doing our thing so they can cock block cuz they know they want him back and then i gotta cuss the heffas out and then they come over and i gotta tell them to chill before i pull out my tub of vaseline and smack 'em in the mouf with it and then i'll end up going to jail for assaulting some chick who really only wanted to talk to the guy cuz her baby needed diapers and he promised he would buy her some but spent the money taking me to the movies instead and then i'd feel guilty cuz while one of his kids was sitting somewhere shitting on himself i was sitting in a theater with a five dollar tub of popcorn sipping on a three dollar drink watching a nine dollar movie so bad it ain't worth five cents and all the while that kid is sitting somewhere shitting on himself and that guy didn't give a shit about it which sucks because a guy should care more about his kids cuz if that were me and my kid and i needed diapers and he was taking someone else to the movies instead of handling his biz i know i'd be sooooo pissed and probably end up having to call that heffa's house cuz he never leaves that place and never answers his cell and that's the only way i can contact his ass and she probably thinks i'm trying to cock block cuz i want his sorry ass back when really i just want him to give me the fucking money so i can get these diapers cuz junior is sick and has diarrhea and the doctor says he's gonna be shitting alot in the next couple of days and i really fucking HATE having to call this cat like this cuz it's not like i wanna spend all my time trying to make this brotha do what he's supposed to be doing cuz shit i've got a job and a kid to take care of and his trife ass ain't helping me with shit and all i asked him to do was give me some money so i could get some diapers cuz my check is already spent on everyfuckingthing ELSE needed to take care of OUR child and instead i gotta go tracking this mothafucka down cuz he lied to me yet AGAIN and i can't fucking BELIEVE i'm in this situation with this cat when we were so careful and there are times i remember back to when we first met and i thought he was soooooo fine and wondered whether or not he was taken or gay when instead i should have been more concerned with whether or not the brotha took care of his responsibilties or if he'd be a good father for any kid that might pop up or if he'd always tell the truth instead of just telling me what i want to hear cuz he don't wanna deal with the drama or if he loved and respected and appreciated his momma cuz brothas who love and respect and appreciate their mommas more times than not know how to treat the woman they fall in love with and we wouldn't have broken up and i wouldn't be sitting here in my car in this heffa's driveway at 3 a.m. contemplating whether i should slash his tires, key his car, bang in his windowshield, or all three just to get my fucking point across that i'm tired of him ignoring me and our kid and not handling his biz and i'm mad at myself for being so caught up in his looks i didn't check his character and my self esteem is low cuz i done put on thirty pounds after having this man's baby and now i'm overweight AND have a kid and what brotha is gonna wanna get with me after that when he can have slim chick with no kids and no drama from the baby's daddy and shit i fucking HATE this mothafucka for turning me into this person i no longer recognize and i swear if i could go back in time and stop myself from talking to his ass i would...

recent thoughts to myself (and others...)

"this is a nice place, but it isn't THE place, nikki" - about two months ago after initially finding a spot i thought i wanted to move into. i wasn't totally crazy about the place, but it was only two miles from work and i hate commutes so i was down with it. there was something in me telling me i didn't need to get that place. maybe it was the previous owner who was just this side of shady...dude who had put a shitload of work into the spot but kept telling these little fibs that had me thinking he wouldn't do good business. but it was two miles away from my office, dude!

"sigh..." - after dude told yet one more fib about supposedly telling me he was supposed to meet me at the house at 6 p.m. when i know i told that mofo 5 p.m. i guess he thought i would second-guess my own damn self instead of checking him on that shit.

"oh no you didn't playa..." - after dude emailed me talking about how i inconvenienced his ass by telling him i wanted my money back before he ran the credit check. it was obvious he used to be a teacher cuz he tried to lay that guilt shit on me, making it seem like it was my own inadequacies that contributed to the deal going sour. then i proceeded to email him back and tell him that it was his shady behavior that did it and he needed to check his shit before he tried to do business with someone else. i told him i'm not one of his fucking students. oh...and send me my fucking money or you getting sued...

"smart move playa" - after i got my check in the mail.

"you're an idiot" - 1.5 months ago as i looked in the mirror and realized i had to start searching all over again.

"YEAH BABY!" - the same day i told myself i was an idiot, after finding THE spot...a nice brownstone in grant park. see, THIS is why one should listen to his or her instincts...

"who has this much shit in 864 square feet of living space?!?" - two weeks ago when after telling everyone around me i didn't have alot of packing to do, i started packing and realized i had shit stuffed into every crack and crevice of that spot, kinda like crumbs tucked away into the folds of a fat chick.

"hold up...it was right HERE all this time?" - 1.5 weeks ago, when after telling de ex my digital camera had been stolen months ago he pulls it out of whatever black hole it was in and dropped it into my lap. when asked where he found it, he replied "underneath all that shit i told you to look under."

"i fucking HATE moving" - a week ago as i sat on my couch, looked around the living room, and realized that after damn near three weeks of packing i had only gotten maybe 50% of the total packing done.

"i ain't mad atcha." - last saturday as i sat in my car in a restaurant parking lot down the street from my new abode, staring at this loc'd up cat. brotha was nicely put together and walked with the swagger of the urban professional who walked to work alot.

"look at all these beautiful black folk!" - as i drove through my new neighborhood a week ago. i never knew how much i missed them until they were no longer around. buckhead had its perks and i got along with everybody no doubt, but it's cool to be able to see folk who look like me and do what i do. there are some things that folk from the same ethnic and/or cultural background just 'get' and shit, ain't nothing wrong with it.

"uh, i ain't taking this, this, those or that." - after i saw i still had a computer table, two lamps, a book case and a vcr to pack. gave the vcr to the folk upstairs and am taking the lamps and shelves to the 'rents so they can add to the pile of shit they'll end up not using. the computer table? who knows...

"how could i have possibly forgotten THOSE?!?" - how come even after friends helped me move my shit on saturday i still hadn't gotten all of it out?!? sunday evening i'm sitting at the old spot staring at food and spices, a deep fryer, microwave, and george foreman grill, all looking me in the face like "thought you could just leave us behind, huh heffa?"

"I FUCKING HATE MOVING!" - this past monday as i was back in my old apartment STILL getting shit together to take to the new spot.

"YOU are going to the homeless shelter." - said monday night to a bunch of clothes and canned goods.

"IT'S GOOD TO BE HOME!" - said last night when i got to the new spot after work, repeated this morning when i started this entry :)

happy valentine's day everybody!