for right now...

for right now...

i don't want a man in:

'tween my legs

my mind

my bed


nothing personal and i ain't looking at the other team, but right now i'm too cynical about the whole love thang and it makes no sense to invite some cat into my life when the most i have to offer him is laughter in the face of his love.

part of me mourns those mornings of moans melting from the multiple bones, the sounds of sex slicing through the silence in rhythm with strokes of precision...

shit, i'm getting worked up just typing that...

anyway, part of me mourns that. in fact, a rather large percentage of me mourns that. being completely nikki, damn near 100% of me is protesting as i type this out.

unfortunately, the last few years have been one long goodbye to all the parts of me i thought i valued most. now i've gotta spend the next few months reclaiming those parts of me i'd so carelessly discarded, and i can't do that with a man around, even the casual sex ones. fact of the matter is, sex is no longer casual to me. i am no longer aiight with the one night fuck. even when i say to myself "i'm good with just fucking dude" there's that part of me saying "if only i could have more"

really, ain't too many women out there who are truly cool with just fucking. it's hard for us not to tell dude all we want is sex without whispering in our minds "for now" i don't know how folk can have sex over and over and not get emotionally caught up in it. i know I can't do it.

so no casual sex, which means no "friends with benefits" which means for right now, i'll be content with my battery-powered friend and my fingers...actually, i'll be faking that contentment, but you get the idea...