Thursday, January 17, 2008

i wish

...he was an ass, then leaving him wouldn't have felt like i was kicking a puppy.

...this situation was salvageble, cuz then i wouldn't have to be starting over at an age when folk are popping third and fourth babies.

...i'd been in love with him, cuz then i could have walked away feeling more than relief and impatience.

...i knew myself better back then, cuz then i wouldn't have been with him in the first place.

...i had known what passive-aggressive behavior was, cuz then i would have recognized his moves as quietly manipulating instead of thinking "he loves me enough to let me be me."

...i'd known the difference between 'good' and 'right', cuz then i would have dismissed the hype around 'good brothas' and spent my efforts on finding the 'right brotha'.

...i hadn't listened when people said "you marry your best friend", cuz really, sometimes folk are just meant to be friends.

...i'd believed more in myself, cuz then i would have listened to my instinct when it was telling me i was making the worst decision of my life by saying "yes".

...i'd faced my issues of intimacy earlier, cuz then i wouldn't be setting up an appointment with a counselor to address them now, after i spent years in a relationship that wouldn't have existed if i'd faced my issues prior.

...i hadn't listened to the people shoving my biological clock in my face and telling me "you know, you don't have alot of time left if you're trying to have kids", cuz then i would have told them to all go fuck themselves instead of convincing myself that i loved him enough to spend the rest of my life with him.

...i had known loving him like a friend wasn't enough to love him like a lover, cuz then i wouldn't have beat myself up for not feeling the emotions needed to make a lifetime commitment.

...i had known my soul well enough to recognize her mate hadn't yet arrived, cuz then i wouldn't have lied on my wedding day when i vowed that it had.

...i'd loved myself enough to know that the love he gave wasn't enough, cuz then i would have had the courage to say "i love you, but no."

...i hadn't looked to the internet to fill the emptiness brought on by my lonliness, cuz it provided me with too easy an avenue for escape into what was basically a fantasy world of my own making, thus preventing me from addressing my real-world issues.

...i didn't wear my wounds for everyone to see, cuz then i wouldn't be surrounded by men who think they can 'save' me (for themselves no doubt...)

i hope...

this insight takes me to places where i no longer have to look back with empty wishes.