Monday, October 01, 2007

dating/sex myths debunked

myths are supposed to make the dating scene easier. i should be able to just look at a guy and based upon what i see, become instantly privy to intimate details regarding his dating/sexual habits. romantic comedies like coming to america should give me a realistic view of romance as it applies to my life. i should be able to walk out of my door and bump into a mullet-wearing african prince who came to america for the express purpose of marrying me and making me his princess.

but it just don't go down like that.

i don't know how many times i've been unpleasantly surprised to discover the myth i've accepted as truth is indeed a cruel falsehood. therefore, i have taken it upon myself to provide this public announcement entry hoping it will guide you around the pitfalls that come with believing dating/sex myths.

1. all black men have big penises.

if you've been reading my blog for a while you've already read about my encounter with the mini penis. well, he's a black dude. now it's a strong possibility the guy was born with partial nephritis, as his penis was unnaturally small in proportion to his 6'1, 210 lb body. however, in all likelihood he's just like millions of other black males out there. he just ain't packing the part. meanwhile, it's extra important for us women to be mindful of this particular untruth as there are brothas out taking advantage of our ignorance. they're getting dates and promises for sex based on the myth alone. they're gaining access to quality coochie and too many of us women are forced to not only put up with the puny pinky-like appendages, but we end up pissed off and writing entries about it, putting all our biz out in the streets.

2. all white men have small penises.

this is simply untrue. i've seen enough porn to verify this one (along with my own personal experiences, hehehe). plus, you can't tell me ger.ard has a small penis. no really, even if his is microscopic, don't tell me. he's too damn fine not to have a big penis.

3. black women don't suck dick.

i'm so sick of dudes telling me black women don't suck dick. we DO. if a black woman told you she doesn't suck dick it's probably cuz she doesn't wanna suck YOUR dick. she's probably smelling your balls through your tighty whiteys and fighting off nausea. have you even bothered to check down there to make sure your penile area is up to sniff? maybe she has seen your penis and finds it unattractive? you might have an ingrown hair or some other liquid secreting bump on or around your penis and who wants something smelly and/or ugly and/or bleeding in their mouths? certainly not me. if you want us to suck your dick, scrub the entire area, keep the hair groomed, and make the penis as pretty as possible. getting it circumsized if it hasn't been already isn't too much to ask. if you think it won't make a difference, consider this...jewish men are always smiling and it ain't just cuz they get to take offa work every other week for religious holidays.

then again, she might just be telling you that so you won't be expecting much. that way the act will be seen as a gift and better appreciated. remember how you play stupid at work so folk won't give you banal shit to do? same strategy here...

4. if he treats his momma like a queen, he'll treat you like a queen.

that ain't true cuz there can only be one queen, which means you're gonna be the peasant. if that dude has his momma on a pedestal, it guarantees you won't EVER be able to cook as good as his momma, clean as good as his momma, or take care of him as good as his momma cuz he probably living with his momma. while she's getting all the royal treatment like spa packages and dinners to expensive restaurants, you're left with a wooden stick with balls on the end and a coupon to ste.ak and fuck THAT. what you want is a guy who only treats his momma 'aiight'. he doesn't call her a bitch or smack her in the mouf, but he thinks she can be bitchy sometimes and he probably thought about smacking her once or twice but had the self control to prevent himself from doing so. he buys her stuff for her birthday but he spends more money on a prostitute. in other words, he's comfortable with the idea of lavishing attention and money on a female while also understanding that the woman who gives him sex is way more important than the woman who gave him life.

5. we all look the same with the lights off.

that's some bullshit. ugly ain't ultraviolet. you sit in the dark long enough and your eyes are gonna adjust. you'll be able to make out ugly cuz it glows. if you wanna know for sure where your own looks fall on the scale, turn off the lights. if you notice a phosphorous glow to your features, don't fret cuz knowing's half the battle. meanwhile, don't come looking for me cuz my looks are pitch black (and no, that is not a cloak i'm wearing, damnit.)

6. if he has a big penis, he's a good lover.

this is the kind of shit you might hear from a dude with a big dick:

"do you know how many women out there would kill to be stroked by this huge penis? hell, you needs to be glad i'm showing you attention at all."

"i don't do missionary, baby. either you on top or you out the door."

"what? you said something about stroking it a certain way to hit something called a 'g' spot? shit, i've got a big dick! i've hit spots representing the entire alphabet at least 20 times already without having to make one friggin move."

"DAMN girl! you told me you wanted me to get all up in dem guts, then when i do you curling up on the bed like a punk and complaining about how much the shit hurts. oh HELL you getting blood all on my sheets!"

"huh? you want me to eat your pussy? for real? look chick, i don't eat pussy. i've got a big dick. that's all i need. if you want someone to eat you out, call a dude with a little dick to do it."

only thing is...

7. if he has a small dick, he knows how to (or will willingly) eat the coochie.

is a lie too.

cuz if he has a small dick and he finds himself in the presence of naked vagina, he ain't wasting his time eating it when he knows this is probably the last time he's gonna see it this close for a while. thing is, women aren't stupid. if we're with a guy who can eat it out and he's got a small penis, that dude's gonna be eating it out ALL THE TIME. he might NEVER get a chance to stroke it. and seeing as dudes aren't stupid (most of the time anyway), they will withhold skills for the sake of achieving their own agendas. remember that strategy you use at work to avoid doing extra shit? works for them too...

8. if he's driving a luxury car, he's making money and that means nice stuff for you.

no, what that could mean is that he's barely making ends meet cuz he's paying a hellacious car note and insurance bill which in turn means alot of ramen noodle casseroles and nights where he says "let's just stay home and watch movies", which in turn is code for "i don't have enough money to cover gas, let alone movie tickets, and with your greedy ass i'll end up paying twenty bucks at the concession stand so we staying at the crib."

better yet, it could mean he saved up his money so he could rent that luxury vehicle for the weekend with the express purpose of finding gullible chicks like you who are easily enamored by leather seats and woodgrain dashboards. if his car or truck is notably absent from his driveway or apartment parking lot the following weekend, don't act surprised cuz you've been warned.

9. just because the male bought the female a dinner that cost over $200 per person doesn't mean she has to sleep with him.

oh yes the hell it does. you know good and damn well if the tables were turned the female would be looking at the dude like "i just paid two hundred bucks on your meal, buddy. you betta get naked, get down on your knees, and eat this coochie and you betta not stop until i tell you to or your tongue falls off, one or the other."

so if he put out loot for the grub, best to just get naked, lay back, turn off the lights, and hope he don't glow in the dark...unless you need the light to help you locate his miniscule penis.

10. you can tell when he's gay.

many times you can tell, but just as many times you can't. short of finding him with a dick up his butt or in his mouth, you're pretty much left to either asking him straight up if he's gay or checking the phone book on his mobile. if he's got an inordinant amount of male numbers in his phone, i.e. a ratio of like four guys for every one girl, then you're probably dealing with a guy who bats from both sides of the plate and he's probably only in your dugout for appearances sake. now there are some guys who are are heterosexual and actually have alot of frat brothers or athletic teammates, which is why this myth isn't completely true. meanwhile, if a single dude has like fifty males in his phonebook and only three or four females, i'm deducing he's gay until i ask him outright (and best believe, i'm gonna ask).

11. sonny from 'a bronx tale': "Alright, listen to me. You pull up right where she lives, right? Before you get outta the car, you lock both doors. Then, get outta the car, you walk over to her. You bring her over to the car. Dig out the key, put it in the lock and open the door for her. Then you let her get in. Then you close the door. Then you walk around the back of the car and look through the rear window. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in: dump her."

cologero: "Just like that?"

sonny: Listen to me, kid. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, that means she's a selfish broad and all you're seeing is the tip of the iceberg. You dump her and you dump her fast.

addendum from me: cuz best believe, once she realizes you still driving a car with manual locks, she's dropping your ass like the people's elbow, dude. come can find an affordable car with automatic locks! and don't get it twisted...i'm SHALLOW, not SELFISH. those are two TOTALLY different things right there...