Tuesday, October 28, 2008
mom's been out of town for the last two weeks and it seems like dad has been extra liarful lately...
dad leaving a message on my mobile: hey nikki (pause) i'm gonna be going to the movies tonight. i'll give you a call sometime later tonight.
now here's the thing...if i were doing dirt, i'd call someone with the place i'll be which includes a time at which point i'll call them back so that they don't call me. he was smart there (besides the pause, which is suspect...i mean, do you have to think about the fact you going to the movies? you either going or you not, right?)
so dad calls later that night (quite late for a guy who went to the movies around 6 p.m.) and i'm like "wassup, dad."
dad: i'm gonna be heading to the okefenokee swamp tomorrow. i'll be there all day.
me (after giving the phone a hard side eye...yeah, i got that from opinionated diva): really? what you going down there for?
dad: i'm gonna be taking photos.
me (now adding the side 'oh really now' smirk to my face): oh. you going with newburn? (that's his photography buddy who he hasn't hung out with in YEARS...)
dad (after a pause of about three seconds): yesssss. i'm going with newburn.
me (after waiting for him to add "yeah, that's the ticket!" to the end of that statement): okay. so you gonna call me when you get there, right?
dad (now trying to catch up with his daughter who he evidently thought was fee dee hut da eee dee yut): well nikki, we won't be near any phones.
me: dad, are you serious? you do have a mobile phone. you're calling me from it now. (when you could have just called me from the HOME phone, seeing as you're trying to imply you're HOME.) if i tried to go on a trip and not call you to let you know i got there safely, you'd have a fit.
silence...probably while dad tried to come up with something else to say. didn't think it would be this fucking difficult, did you daddy?
dad: well i'll be leaving pretty early in the morning.
me (after saying to myself "what the fuck does that have to do with anything?!?): um, okay. and when you get there, just call.
i spent the remainder of the night stewing on that, cuz my instinct is telling me his ass is lying. next day rolls around, i get no phone call from dad. i call him early afternoon...no answer. later that night, i get a call from him. now, i want you to guess what happened:
a. there was no phone signal at the swamp, which is why he didn't call.
b. he didn't go and his phone was somehow misplaced for an entire day....which is why he didn't call.
c. he comes up with some elaborate reason he didn't go and doesn't even bother to explain why he didn't call.
me (so cynical at this point i don't even wanna hear what he come up with): hey dad.
dad: hey nikki.
me: so how was the trip?
dad: well, we didn't go. something happened to the van and [insert ridiculously elaborate tale about a van, a chick he mentioned by name who was evidently going with them (but was never mentioned prior to that moment), a few other women who i think were added to the tale cuz it was beginning to sound like he was going somewhere with just the one chick and he had to cover his tracks, three french hens, two turtle doves, and a father who's up a shit creek with that bullshit lie he pulled literally out of the crack of his ass. oh...and absolutely no mention of newburn...]
ten minutes later...
me: so you didn't go.
dad: no, but we're gonna go to helen, ga tomorrow.
me (after rolling my eyes cuz really...i want to be like "just stop. you are truly insulting my intelligence here...): so you're gone the whole day?
me: well call when you get there.
next day comes and goes. i don't speak to him until the day after that day(monday), at which point he tells me he went to helen, ga, then to the movies. i'm shaking my head the whole time. whateverz.
on tuesday, i called him to ask what movie he'd seen. i said it was cuz i was going on a date later that night and wanted to know of a good movie to check out. really i just wanted to see what he'd say.
me: you left a message saying you went on friday and then you told me yesterday you went on sunday. so what did you see?
dad (after another fucking pause): i saw the rocket. that movie about ernie davis.
me: really? who's in it?
dad (and i quote): i don't remember. that black guy. you know who i'm talking about.
at this point, i am NO LONGER ABLE (also picked up from opinionated diva). i cut the convo short and get off the phone.
OMG...MY DAD IS ONE OF THOSE MEN! reality is a bitch...
aiight, so here are some questions:
1. do you think he's cheating? i mean, it's not like i caught him with his pants down, but his lying is beyond atrocious.
2. have you ever had to deal with a cheating parent? what did you do?!?
3. if you haven't dealt in it before, what would you do?
4. how do you continue to be around someone who obviously cares very little about the damage he's causing to the family?
Friday, October 24, 2008
"listen to me, nikki. there's a reason you don't feel right about this..."
"i know you're a bit weak right now..."
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
"but don't ignore me just because you don't like what i'm telling you."
"ARGHHHH!" pussy screamed, "I'M GONNA KILL THAT BITCH!"
she charged straight towards her target with murderous intent, but was restrained moments before she could reach her.
"and whatever you do," after a quick glance in pussy's direction, instinct rushed to finish, her consonants crammed into a bloated plea, "don'tlistentoyourpussy! she'stheonewho gotyouinthismessinthefirstplace!"
then with a smirk thrown at pussy's crunchy visage, she scooted to her chair where she made a tired slide into the hot-pink microfiber folds of the plush cushions. once seated, the protective shield auto-activated, her glass of red kool aid rising perfectly chilled from the left arm, a krazy straw gangsta-leaning against the lip. she reached for her refreshment, her attention on pussy, who was now dancing with rabid grace against brain's restraining arms, her mouth emitting an empty menace at once absorbed by the protective shield. instinct shot her the middle finger, then pressed a button on the right arm of the chair, putting it into reclining position with a simultaneous massage action. pussy and the others vanished from instinct's view as the force field around her went opaque.
"AAAHHHH!" instinct sighed in relief, "i loooooooooove this chaaaaaaaair!"
she settled into the ergonomic curves, offering another silent thanks to the anonymous benefactor who sent it weeks ago. the time following the arrival of the chair had been the equivalent of world war lll. prior to that there had been months of relative peace as nikki dated a number of men, none of whom inspired enough emotional or physical investment necessary for internal conflict. a fragile truce had been established between brain, pussy, and instinct during this time. heart had been sent away to fortify her defenses shortly after nikki began dating following her divorce. heart, after years of living a functional existence, had been eager to bask naked on nikki's sleeve and soak up some male attention. unfortunately, she was unnecessarily bruised due to premature exposure. dating is a brutal business and heart was simply too weak to be an active participant, at least during the initial stages.
so brain, instinct, and pussy had held down the fort. all was well until the first major skirmish...the guy who was the really good kisser but couldn't hold a conversation with both hands and a bucket. pussy had witnessed potential in his soft lips and was already anticipating him working them over her. brain on the other hand had fallen asleep on more than one occasion during nikki's attempts to maintain a conversation with this cat.
nikki, desperately sifting through discarded topics to recover something worth discussing, had latched onto the (usually) tried and true conversation saver with guys.
"so, i remember you saying earlier you enjoy watching sports," she began with marginal excitement, "i'm a HUGE nfl fan. what about you?"
"definitely not," he replied, the words draped elegantly in his disdain, "i don't get off on grown men tackling each other over a ball. i prefer [indistinguishable cuz at that point, nikki had tuned his ass out.]
"THAT'S IT," exclaimed brain over his babble, "HE'S GAY."
brain stormed from the area, her exit wiping all semblance of intelligence from nikki's face. nikki blinked, her lack of cognition shooting blank looks into the sudden silence.
"oh SHIT. nikki sounds like an IDIOT," pussy panicked, "if she doesn't get her shit together i'm NEVER gonna get fucked!"
she turned to instinct, who was lounging on her then mildly uncomfortable plastic folding chair, kool aid in her left hand as she watched the theatrics with surprising indifference. instinct lifted her brow in response to pussy's pained perusal.
pussy's stare was now twisted from profuse pleading. instinct became confused. this wasn't typical pussy behavior at ALL.
"surely you don't expect me to do something about it," instinct yelled in disbelief, "my work here is already done and i didn't even have to put down my drink!"
and then it happened.
pussy's lips began trembling.
her facade fell in pubic misery to the floor.
there was some loud sniffling...then...
"oh my god," instinct watched in complete shock. pussy was wailing like an infant. her normally beautiful face began to resemble asshole with her lips all dry and brittle and pursed so tightly instinct was sure they would implode into themselves.
the glass fell from her fingers to crash on the floor as she jumped up from her seat.
"I'M GOING TO GET BRAIN!"
instinct ran from the room to retrieve brain. pussy watched her leave.
"what a dumb broad," she muttered as she turned to the controls and flipped on the mic.
"nikki...here's what you need to do..."
instinct caught up with brain, grabbed her without speaking, and began dragging her back to the control room.
"you ain't about to leave me there by myself with that crazy heffa," instinct was mumbling to herself, her steps hurried with worry, "you're gonna FIX THIS."
"what the hell are you talking about?!?" brain questioned, her irritation evident as she snatched her arm from instinct's grasp, "who's the 'crazy heffa'? oh NO. WHAT DID NIKKI DO?!?"
"it ain't NIKKI! it's PUSSY!" instinct shouted in exasperation, as she turned to face her. "see, i can deal with her bleeding, you know, cuz it has nothing to do with me, right? but then that chick started PLEADING..."
brain gasped in horror.
"it gets worse."
brain stood frozen in anticipation.
"that heffa had the nerve to WEEP!"
brain begin running towards the control room at a frantic clip.
"oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit!"
"i know! that's what i said!" instincted gasped in breathless bursts from behind her.
brain and instinct crashed into the room just as the monitors show nikki kissing the guy.
"OH SHIT!" instinct and brain both bellowed.
pussy was leaning against the control panel, contentment contorting her features into pre-coital bliss.
"yeeeeeeeessssssss" pussy moaned, the creamy contents of her mouth dripping onto the floor.
"damn," instinct and brain both turned away from the disgusting sight of pussy slobbering all over herself. brain pulled a handkerchief from her pocket and reached behind herself to blindly offer it to pussy.
"PLEASE clean that up."
"really, that has go to be the nastiest thing i've seen in bodily functions," instinct said.
"you must not get out much," brain answered in a matter-of-fact tone.
brain and instinct decided to ride it out, primarily so they could shut pussy up, if only for a little while. unfortunately, they'd forgotten how messy she could be. instinct retreated to her chair, ultimately being forced to stand on it so she wouldn't mess up her keds with that creamy shit all over the floor. brain, after years of having to wade through folks bullshit, was already wearing a rubber suit along with a pair of thigh high thick-soled, stain-proof boots.
things were going well for the most part. instinct and brain kept themselves occupied while pussy tried to get her rocks off. they didn't dare leave the room for fear pussy would have nikki do something crazy like declare her undying love for a football-hating loser. it's one thing to kiss him, but to declare any kind of affection would have been blasphemous.
brain was doing a crossword puzzle when she felt pussys presence in front of her. brain looked up. pussy was no longer happy.
"you're right. we gotta get away from this cat pronto."
brain was perplexed.
"what do you mean? weren't you just enjoying this guy and his kisses?"
"that was then, this is now. get nikki out of there."
brain gave pussy another strange look, then got up and walked to the control panel. she flicked on the mic.
"nikki, he hates football. get the fuck outta there."
instinct, who was caught up in her x-men comic book, looked up just as brain sends the command to nikki.
"pussy said we gotta get nikki out of there, so that's what i'm doing." replied brain.
instinct cast a suspicious look at pussy.
"what happened, pussy," she asked as she crossed her arms, "you put us through all these fucking changes and now you ending the game prematurely? what gives?!?"
pussy didn't answer for a minute, still stewing over the fact she wasn't gonna get laid. when she was calm enough to speak, the words were pushed through clenched teeth.
"nikki felt his crotch."
"oh. NO." brain moaned, "dude sporting a wee wittle wee wee?!? isn't this cat like 6'2?!? how he gonna be that tall and have a little dick?!? that's false advertising! tall = big dick. shit, it's right there in the anatomy books!"
"maybe we should get nikki interested in the short guys again. their dicks weren't tremendously long but a few turned out to be the thick tree trunk kind," instinct chimed in.
"WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP?" pussy exclaimed. "it's not that he had a small dick! y'all know i ain't that damn shallow!"
brain and instinct both looked at her like she had grown a second head. pussy bristled.
"oh come on!" the words burst from pussy's lips after a few moments of disbelieving silence, "nikki had her hand down there for about three minutes before she found his balls. y'all know that's a DEALBREAKER for ALL OF US!"
brain ran to the control panel to find nikki fishing for a way to extract herself from the situation.
"my goodness. is this woman COMPLETELY HELPLESS without me?!?"
she turned on the mic and yelled.
"JUST TELL HIM YOU'RE A LESBIAN!"
instinct and pussy fell out laughing.
nikki was confused for a minute, then came up with the brilliant way to get rid of the football-hating loser.
"i'm so sorry," she stated with care for his feelings, "but i just remembered i'm a lesbian."
then she grabbed her purse and got up to leave, remembering at the last minute to put a butch pimp to her gait.
back inside, brain was cringing.
"that was NOT a smooth outro. see, this is what happens when we don't work as a team."
instinct and pussy nodded in agreement.
"i think we should make a pact here and now to work together," brain began in earnest, " otherwise, we're gonna have nikki looking bad and then she's gonna be unhappy and when she's unhappy, we ALL suffer."
so it was on that day instinct, brain, and pussy made a pact to work as a team to ensure nikki's happiness.
things went well for about a week.
and then nikki met redrum and suddenly all bets were off.
questions to be answered in the next episode:
1. where da hell is heart? is she coming back?
2. who sent instinct that chair...that seems kinda suspicious
3. will redrum be enough to satisfy everyone or will pussy be the one to rule the day yet again?!?
Thursday, October 09, 2008
for the record, i'm required to tell you folk my celibacy is officially over, at least for the time being. he made a point of looking at the blog this week to see if i would mention the fact that he blew my back out, so here's the requisite "he blew my back out" statement.
aiight, back to regular programming...
so as i said, this week has been one of those crazy weeks. it began with the 'blow out' session sunday morning, followed with an immediate case of 'catching feelings' ignited by the intense nature of said session along with the fact that nikki really hadn't had it put on her like that in...okay, to tell how long is to really tell on myself, but safe to say it had been more than a hot minute...try hot decade...
so i caught feelings...was thinking about this cat all day sunday, into monday morning, into monday evening enroute to the roots concert...
5:12 p.m.: i'll be at the roots concert tonight so u won't be able to reach me 4 a few hours. starts at 7:30.
5:57 p.m.: oh. uh-huh
5:59 p.m.: i knew that was coming. that's why i'm taking photos
6:09 p.m.: flirting & out & about - ok then
6:12 p.m.: i told u how i felt about u. that hasn't changed. however, i can't bank that u feel as strongly as i do. i can't cut myself off based on 'maybe'.
6:42 p.m.: oh, so guess u still want 2 see others then.
6:44 p.m.: HELL nah. not even a little bit.
6:48 p.m.: well then, just don't date other guys and/or accept their advances and it'll be all good!
7:02 p.m.: i had no intentions of doing so. however, you're asking me to place alot of faith in this situation when u aren't even sure u want to be with me.
[okay, what's taking this mofo so long to answer me?!?!?]
7:35 p.m.: enjoy the show then & u be good!
[nice sidestep, shawty...]
7:38 p.m.: i'm always good
7:38 p.m.: i mean BEHAVE!!!
7:39 p.m.: i always behave
when the unthinkable happened...
7:53 p.m.: u thinkin bout me?
8:06 p.m.: it's obvious you aren't as into me as i'm into u so i'm gonna let u do u. it's aiight. i had a great time this weekend. thanks for that.
8:15 p.m.: what the f u talking about? why folk always gotta be jumping 2 conclusions? can i get a minute 2 breathe here?
8:19 p.m.: i am being totally unreasonable, i admit it. however, it's quite simple. if i was still making myself available romantically to others after this weekend, u would question my sincerity. either u feeling me or u not. there shouldn't be doubt there.
8:21 p.m.: i worked today. i am trying 2 nap 4 a bit now. please chill! please give me a minute here!
8:22 p.m.: u said it yourself. u know early if u want to be with someone and u don't waste time. i don't want to get hurt. i like u too much.
8:25 p.m.: i like u too! i didn't mean like a day or two. i meant i know after a few months of dating someone.
8:30 p.m.: okay. that's cool. like i said. i know i'm being unreasonable. i don't fall often but i do fall hard. i'm sure you're protective of your feelings too. no one wants to be open for rejection. i rather just end it before that happens.
8:33 p.m.: u wanting 2 end it already so u don't get hurt???
8:37 p.m.: i don't want to end it. i'm sayin it's hard for me to be cool when i feel so vulnerable towards u. i'm sure u have ended a situation before if u thought they were just hanging onto u until something else showed up.
8:42 p.m.: u just hanging onto me until something else comes along? what?
8:45 p.m.: no. i'm saying that if u felt that was the case, u would end it before u were rejected. in my case, i have no guarantee you're not dating or pursuing other women, so i have to wonder if i'm the one u r holding onto until something better comes along.
8:52 p.m.: of course i'm feeling u!-geez- can i get a minute to breathe here? i'm tired. call u tomorrow.
9:24 p.m.: of course i'm feeling u-geez-can i get a minute to breathe here? i'm tired. call u tomorrow.
9:26 p.m.: i got the message. i'm stepping back so u can get your moment to breathe. talk to u tomorrow.
aiight, a few questions of an immediate nature popped into my head after this exchange:1. what in the FUCK were you thinking?!? you have NEVER engaged in the act of tipsy texting! you laugh at OTHER PEOPLE who tipsy text!
2. WHERE IN THE GAWTDAMN DID YOUR SWAGGER GO?!? come on...the sex was spectacular but ain't no friggin way you should have let it steal your swagger so easily. this cat got you acting like jill scott in 'insomnia'...changing you from a woman of substance into a woman sheer from insanity!
3. really nikki...why did you fuck him? i know you said you just wanted to take the edge off of the horniness but THIS is the reason you don't do casual sex. if it's bad, you can walk away. however, if it's good...he gotta beat you off with a 'get up offa me bitch' stick...after the pepper spray and taser don't work.4. what you gonna say to him later? i suggest it be something along the lines of "some chick just grabbed my crackberry and started texting you. by the time i got it back from her, she'd said all kinds of crazy shit to you. i would apologize for what was said, but it wasn't me, so no apology is necessary, right?" if that doesn't work, tell him you have multiple personality disorder cuz you damn sure acted like a crazy heffa.
5. do you even want him like that? sure, it wasn't just the sex that made him appealing. so dude is smart, well-read, funny, quirky, and you have all kinds of things in common on top of the fact that he's highly sexual. look how he got you acting? is he bringing out the best in you or the worst in you? it looks like he got you feeling more than a little insecure about yourself, and that ain't NEVER good. NOBODY gets that kind of power, sista. you betta recognize and hold firm to your beliefs about yourself. if this is how things are gonna go, then no matter how good the sex is or how many things you might have in common, you gonna have to bounce up outta there.6. do you like yourself right about now? i'm guessing that's a no. go back to question number five and think about that one again...aiight, now reflect on it ONE MO TIME.
7. you're talking to yourself AND answering. NIKKI, YOU ACTING CRAZY! this means you're probably dealing with what is commonly referred to as cocaine dick, an adicktion affuckting alot of females (unfortunately administered by only a small number of dick dealers being reused among the chickenheads). the only known cure for this is to run in the opposite direction AS FAST AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.
8. what in da hell is 'this'?!? what is there to end when there ain't nothing started?!?later that evening dude (from here on known as redrum cuz he had me flipping over killer dick) and i spoke on the tipsy texting incident and ultimately laughed about it, albeit in that slightly uncomfortable way, kinda like when a friend tells a joke that's offensive instead of funny but you don't wanna call him/her out on it so you give the weak laugh hoping he/she see it wasn't funny without you having to tell him/her so.
we still don't really know what's up. he gets jealous if i'm talking to other guys, but he isn't ready to 'make this official' and frankly, neither am i. on the other hand, he doesn't want me dating other guys until we know what's up with us and i'm not much of a fan of the 'wait and see' thing. man...i long for the days of emotional detachment when i could literally love 'em and leave 'em cuz i knew from jump i wasn't gonna let myself get close.
i can't even say i didn't see it coming. i'd been playing with fire for months. there was no way i was gonna keep working myself up before my defenses would melt beneath the heat of that need.
so now i gotta deal with the repercussions of my sudden move. we'll see what happens. in the meanwhile, i'll just sit back and savor those moments from this weekend past when i finally experienced physical intimacy and contemplate how i cheated myself, cuz it would have been so much better had the emotional intimacy been there, too.
i wonder if we can even get that now.
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
The rules that accompany it are as follows:
# When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it, together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back.
# Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or more) that you find brilliant in their content or design.
# Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were prized with ‘Honest Weblog’.
# Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize (optional).
# List [if you can and or dare] at least ten honest things about yourself.
# And then, pass it on.
1. as soon as i uttered the words "i do" during my wedding i knew i didn't mean them. i spent the rest of the day and subsequent four years trying to convince myself i did.
2. when i heard whenever you're around by jill scott, i swore she was writing about me cuz i was once emotionally unfaithful to my ex towards the end of our marriage. sure i was unhappy and it was pretty much over, but there really is no excuse for that shit. i wondered if i'd ever consider myself to be trustworthy again.
3. i was secretly hoping he would cheat on me so i would have a reason to leave. one time i even checked his email account hoping he was corresponding with another woman and was disappointed when i realized he'd been faithful.
4. i haven't had an orgasm during actual intercourse in over a decade. before? sure. afterwards? no doubt. during? no.
5. speaking of which...there was a hiccup during my ten months of celibacy. i just don't count it as sex cuz it only happened once and was the equivalent of a person being presented a bowl of sand as the first meal after fasting for a year. therefore, i didn't have sex. i had 'what the fuck was THAT shit?!?"
6. looking at how miserable my parents are in their marriage was actually one of the catalysts for me ultimately leaving my ex. married almost 30 years...that's supposed to be an accomplishment, right? i don't care what nobody say...if i've been incarcerated for almost 30 years, ain't shit to celebrate.
7. i masturbate almost everyday. the only time i go longer than five days without masturbating is when i'm on my cycle.
8. i have never ever made love while on my cycle. i was recently offered sex during that time of the month and when i told him i was on my cycle, he was like "and? that's some of the best sex EVAR!"
9. sometimes i feel like being nola darling and keeping a few men around to satisfy all my needs instead of spending so much damn time looking for the one guy who only satisfies most of them.
10. after i was raped, there were a few years i was sexually confused because i thought i wasn't attracted to men. then i slept with a woman and my attraction to men was suddenly restored.
*whew* that was relatively painless...NOT.
here are the folk i pick for the honesty award:
hop to it folk.