Sunday, July 31, 2005

oh blog, how i've neglected thee...

this past week was hectic indeed. did the family reunion thing from thursday to today and they wore me out.

then dex called me on friday night to tell me our apartment was flooded. most of my book collection was ruined, as was much of my yarn, including the piece i baby blanket i had just started for my brother's baby. dex's comic book collection took a SERIOUS hit, as most of the boxes were on the floor. i think 95% of his books got wet, and he's got over a thousand of them. i felt really bad for him.

so now we're moving to another apartment in the same building, only a flight down. i've got finals on wednesday and tomorrow is my birthday. this is never.gonna.end.

i'm tired as shit right now, so i won't say much more. i just figured i should say something before the clit withers from neglect.

Monday, July 18, 2005

is there something in the water in hollywood?

it seems like all of these celebrities are getting married all of a sudden, and they're doing it after knowing folks for just a couple of months. what da hell is going on here?

Friday, July 15, 2005

best depiction of me EVAR.

if i were on south park, i'd kick cartman's ass and then make him lick my toes.

i decided to take a leave of absence from the poverty pimps

initially i was gonna quit, but decided to instead take a leave of absence so that i can use their resources to set up my own non-profit organization. it's a rather sneaky plan because i plan on leaving them permanently when the leave of absence is up at the end of september.

i just can't stay any longer. they're so fucking corrupt. they get grants and then take the money and it disappears and the programs that were supposed to benefit from the money have nothing to show for it. i'm beginning to believe there are more corrupt non-profits out there than those that are non-corrupt. it's the cynic in me. non-profits were established to serve the community. think about it though...what if the very problem that required the existence of a non-profit was suddenly eliminated? if adult literacy was no longer a problem, what would happen to those organizations that were established to battle against it?

unfortunately, too many non-profit folks are fearful of idea that they will no longer be needed and therefore, have made a concerted effort to make sure they're ALWAYS needed. they make sure they're only effective enough to ensure they receive additional funding, as if the promised land of empowerment for all is always just beyond their grasps, just a few dollars away from being attained. i see them make the community members dependent upon them instead of making the members independent and empowered enough to feel as though they can succeed despite the obstacles.

that's the kind of organization i work for. the kind where the people running it don't actually like to engage on a personal level with the people who are benefitting from their programs. they're the kind of people who lament about the problems but don't see the humanity in the people they're supposed to serve. they don't witness the pride, intelligence, and beauty within these people. they don't see the importance of treating the people they serve as though their thoughts mattered, as though THEY mattered. the people i work for instead only see the service and how it can promote their prominence in the community. they go on and on about the awards they received (the last one being damn near five years ago from some obscure entity) and care nothing of the impact upon the community unless it has something to do with promoting their image in a positive light.

and i'm fucking tired of being surrounded by people like that. i want to know that with every minute of effort i put into the community, i'm doing it representing an organization that actually gives a shit about the community instead of just taking a shit upon its head. if this means i've gotta set up my own organization than so be it. it would be worse for me not to do anything at all. i hope the success of those i serve will make the existence of my organization unnecessary. hell, i fucking PRAY that day comes. i pray for a day when there is no longer a need to assist those who suffer from the results of socioeconomic inequality because those folks will no longer exist.

dex thinks i'm a cynic, and i know that's part of me. however, the beat of my heart drums to the rhythm of an optimist. i told him "don't look to my mouth for proof of what i am, look to my hands to see what they're doing. if afterwards, you still see only a cynic, then at least recognize that the cynic in me is motivated to change things so that i won't have to be a cynic the rest of my life."

Thursday, July 14, 2005

what to do?

my body is no longer familiar to me. i stare at my hands and wonder when they suddenly started looking older. when did my fingers first start twitching uncontrollably? when did the skin on them become dry and unappealing? when did the bones within them become arthritic? i look at my hands and wonder what story they're silently trying to impart to me. are they whispering to me that my health needs to be addressed? is there something going on within my body that i'm overlooking?

i've been going in circles for years trying to figure out why my body appears to be disintergrating before my eyes. i wish i knew where to start trying to find answers.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

john the neighbor

the evicted neighbor john still hasn't stopped by to pick up the remainder of his stuff. i've got two big televisions and a bunch of knick knacks on my front porch. i'm not complaining, though. i just wonder what has happened to him. i want to call him, but i don't want him to think i'm pestering him. frankly, i just want to make sure the guy isn't homeless or something. btw, the other neighbor who took some of john's stuff in, told me a week ago that evidently john is addicted to porn. i ask how he would know. he tells me john's bureau (which is currently on his porch) has almost three hundred porn tapes stuffed throughout it. i have to wonder if all of his maturbating distracted him from paying his rent. i know from time to time masturbating is the only thing on my mind, but eventually bills have to get paid. there are priorities, you know?

the neighbor (whose name is also john), is another older white gentleman. however, his daughter is a precocious ten year old who is part black. they have a wonderful relationship and she's smart as hell. john has been extremely friendly with me since he and his daughter moved in. one day i'm standing out in the hallway talking to him about the porn tapes and he tells me he can't do anything with the tapes because none of them had interracial sex scenes. i just looked at him and grinned. he said milk didn't taste good unless it had some chocolate in it. he winked and laughed. wtf?

hell, i didn't know what to do with that there. i normally flirt, but i wasn't sure if he was gonna take my flirting seriously, so i just coughed and ended the conversation with another laugh about the porno tapes before i headed back inside my apartment.

evidently being married means i've got a "fuck me i'm available in a married sort of way" sign on my forehead. then again, talking about porn makes everyone want to fuck, so it probably meant nothing.

damn, here i go talking about sex again. let me call dex. he's got some things to handle...

Thursday, July 07, 2005

interracial relationships

while the fact that my brother's recent revelations have definitely been on my mind, the issue of interracial relationships is one i've put alot of thought into for a while. why? because as a black woman i can't help but see the pattern of how rich black guys end up marrying white women. however, as dex has pointed out to me, this phenomenon isn't nearly as prevalent as i led myself to believe. in fact, there are many affluent black men who marry black women.

that is, unless of course that guy is a hollywood actor.

and that's what had me thinking about it today.

have you ever noticed that when interracial romance of black/white is taking place in a movie, the two people aren't depicted to be as affectionate as when both people are white? i notice it all of the time. what's worse, if there is an interracial relationship, nine times out of ten the guy is black and the female is white. why is that worse? well, have you noticed how many relationships between two loving black people are depicted on television or the movies? for that matter, do you see many black women in fulfilling relationships being depicted on television or the movies? if not for the show soul food, i'd almost believe black folk didn't know how to get along with each other. the problem i have isn't with the interracial relationships, but the implication that black men and women can't sustain loving and fulfilling relationships with each other, thereby making it a necessity for black men to seek other women out as lifemates. there simply isn't enough black on black love shown on tv or in the movies to disprove this, unfortunately.

and so if black women can't get along with black men, where does that leave us? well, according to hollywood, it basically leaves us alone and bitter, bitching out every black man who steps into our paths. wait...that also leaves us as scantily clad freaks who don't mind shaking our tits and asses just so we can be pawed in a music video by some rap artist who sticks a credit card up our cracks.

i was watching a movie last night where robert deniro was romantically involved with angela bassett. at the end, where i would normally see a kiss between the couple who were reunited after being apart, i instead saw a meek hug and then them walk off arm in arm.

i guess i should be grateful a black woman got any love at all. there has been a more recent trend of black women with white men in movies, but even then, i think there's a conscious effort to stick with the "safe" black women. thandie newton is one of those black women who you have to place in a certain light just to see the melanin in her skin. she could pass for white with a really nice tan if she tried. she's the black woman most likely paired with white men if a romance is involved. halle berry is another. angela bassett was in two movies with interracial relationships with white men, the most recent one being the score from 2001. frankly i was shocked because there is no way you can look at angela and see anything but her african features and coffee brown skin. that's not "safe" at all. however, that kind of situation is very rare. in these instances, it seems like the black woman is appealing only if her african features are subdued to the point of being eliminated.

meanwhile, the trend of black men with white women has been going on for way longer than that. also, the black guy doesn't have to be so fair-skinned that he won't be a threat to the people watching. in fact, most of the guys tend to be dark-skinned, as if to say that their african features is part of the appeal for the white women who choose them. on e.r., both of the brothas from the show had distinctive african features. both were successful doctors. both ended up dating women who weren't black.

the black guy on scrubs falls in love and marries a hispanic woman. the black male doctor on grey's anatomy is involved with an asian woman while the black female doctor is depicted as yet another bitter and emotionally distant black woman who can't seem to get a man, let alone keep one. kevin hill had a black lawyer who was basically dating everything under the sun. i can't count him because it was obvious the producers had no intention of him ever settling down.

if there was more black on black love being shown on tv and in the movies (but especially television), i wouldn't be concerned with interracial relationships on television and beyond at all because then the message was that love really IS color-blind.

as it is, the message right now is that black women and men aren't compatible and because the media has influence, i wonder if that has contributed to interracial relationships established under the assumption that black on black love is impossible unless it's just fucking. i wonder if this is why black women aren't seen as appealing by men as women of other ethnicities are.

Friday, July 01, 2005

we interrupt this regularly scheduled family drama for a word from our sponsors...


last friday a friend of mine died at the age of 35 of bone cancer. he lived almost exactly a year after his diagnosis. he leaves behind a wife and daughter and a bunch of family and friends who will miss him dearly.

dex went out of town to charlotte last weekend for a convention, and i stayed home and hung out with friends. i'll be talking about that in a future post, believe me.

i finally decided to quit the second gig i have as a program coordinator for a girls technology program. it was a tough decision to make, but i'm tired of working for poverty pimps. i'll be meeting with them next week to put in my notice, and hopefully i'll be able to volunteer my services elsewhere until i can get my own non-profit organization off of the ground.

wednesday i had a midterm in my american history class. NINE essay questions. NINE. and i had three hours to answer them. by the end, i felt as though my hand had been run over by a train and every cell of my brain had been sucked dry by a vampire with an insatiable thirst for knowledge. i think i lost ten pounds in just brain matter alone.

last night i hit my tiniest foot toe against the ottoman in the living room and now it has swelled to the size of a horse's nutsack. i can't walk on it without pain shooting through my foot, but i can move it so i know it's not broken. this guarantees i'll be limping around for the july 4th weekend. DAMN.

today i'm at home resting the toe after calling in to work. i'm sure they're not happy about me not being there, but they can kiss my ass. i've got my foot elevated and iced up.